I became a parent three years ago. In the time since then, I have constantly worried about my relationship with my children in the years to come. How do I get them to trust me? How do I keep that delicate balance between "parent" and "friend"?
Going through a lot with my own parents, I have come to the realization that if you respect your kids, they will respect you. Children learn by example. Even though they are children, they're still people. The way kids are treated when they are younger has a huge impact on their older years. The way they are treated as adolescents and teens has a huge impact on the adults that they become.
I don’t believe “Because I’m the parent and I said so” is an answer. I believe if you communicate openly and honestly with your children, they will communicate with you. While I believe that spanking is sometimes necessary, I do not believe that threatening my kids is the best way to get across to them. I don't want them to be afraid of me; I want my children to know that I am and always will be the one safe place they can run to, no matter what. I want them to make decisions not because they fear me, but because they respect me and they respect their father. There is an enormous difference between the two.
Respect begins with unconditional love. So many parents have big dreams for their children because they are filling a void they have in their own lives. When their children do not fall into the path that their parents want for them, they are often made to feel inadequate. This is where unconditional love comes into play. More than anything, I want my children to find happiness. Jim Morrison said, "When others demand that we become the people they want us to be, they force us to destroy the person we really are. It's a subtle kind of murder. The most loving parents and relatives commit this murder with smiles on their faces."
When my kids are teenagers, I'm already praying for understanding. My husband and I have made vows to remember above all else that they are people. I want to respect their privacy. Would you read a friend's mail? Would you put a camera in any other person's car without their knowledge to spy on them? If the answer is no, maybe you should reconsider these decisions when it comes to your kids, because your relationship with your kids is more fragile than any friendship you could ever have. Doing things like this will only create resentment in the long run. Again, it's a respect thing.
Since my daughter was born, I've also been praying for help with my temper. I'm bad to spout off at the mouth, and it's something I've been working on. Words cannot be unsaid, no matter how many times you apologize. It seems counter-intuitive to say something to purposely hurt my child. I would rather keep my mouth closed and calm down first than win a fight with my kids. Ever.
I'm not claiming to be an expert on parenting. I don't have much experience. However, I do know how it feels to be on the opposite end of the spectrum and to feel disrespected, and I know that is never something I want either of my children to feel. I want to parent using the tools of love and respect, not just authority.
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